Do you want it all?

What you want and what you need
What you want and what you need can be two different things

Musings on the path to success

Right now, as we speak, I should be celebrating. I have everything that I ever wanted. I have a working relationship with my all-time favorite musician, Robyn Loau. I even got to make a music video for her a few years ago. I’ve got to be a music critic. I’m working on a house dance track, with Angelo Montoya (formally of one of my favorite groups, Radio Freedom). I can call my favourite director’s writing partner, my sometimes mentor (well, she puts up with my questions). My creative partner is one of the most talented up-and-coming directors. I’m working with some extremely talented people on my first “A” short film project, An American Piano, including an amazing Broadway designer. And yet, I am unhappy.

This is not one of those, “is that all there is” Peggy Lee moments, where I’m going to tell you that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. No, achieving all of those things (and more) has been more wonderful than I can put into words.

No, what I’m talking about is love. Recently my partner of 6.5 years and I split up. It not only feels like a failure because the relationship didn’t work, but it also feels like I failed because I so wanted us to be together if or when I achieve more success. I wanted it to be us together, achieving success together. With someone else, I kind of just feel like they haven’t earned that right, that they’d just be piggybacking on my success. Or if they are successful themselves, then what’s the point? We didn’t achieve it together.

But anyway, it is what it is. I can’t change what has happened.

The other thing, is that without love, you ask yourself, “what is the point? Why am I working so hard?” Of course, if I look to those who have come before me, like Bette Davis, who at the end of her life said, “in the end, the one thing that you can count on is your work – everything else will fail you at some point”. And yes, for a workaholic like me, there is a certain satisfaction in all of that. But what is the point of working so hard if you can’t share it with someone. And not some Johnny-come-lately, but someone who was there supporting you through all the hard slog.

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